Can you work with my new SEO Expert?

Over the last few years a few clients have been cold-called and talked into using a SEO Company / Digital Marketing Company to help them boost their rankings / visitor numbers. Have yet to find one that has had any benefit / improvement in any aspect of their business. The latest phone call I was asked to take made me chuckle at how amateur they were. This call was preceded by a ‘sensible’ website owner assuring me they had a fantastic expert that they would like me to work with to improve their website. The rest is comedy gold.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Hello, I’m dealing with a website design client of yours by the name of ‘client name’. how is it going?
[Website Design Company] Hello and fine thanks for asking.
[Digital Marketing Expert] I am a digital marketing expert. Are you? Okay? Basically is it a website built on a content management system or static HTML?
[Website Design Company] Its a content management system, we are using WordPress. Would have thought you would have known that to be honest
[Digital Marketing Expert] Okay. Yes. Is it WordPress?
[Website Design Company] Yes, that’s right.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Okay, fantastic. Can you do things for me? Okay.
[Website Design Company] Yeah, no problem.
[Digital Marketing Expert] okay, can you improve the speed so that the website loads faster, can you create articles for local pages, make sure it loads in under nought point five of a second (0.5 seconds).
[Website Design Company] You’re going to send your instructions to follow this up with an email. That’s the normal way of doing things.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Yeah, I know I can probably do that. I’m going to just give you the highlights and then follow up with an email.
[Digital Marketing Expert] I’ve read Google’s New Rules, you need to add structured data markup for your pages give you that to structure and also can you also add a page for every location she wants to cover so within a 25 mile radius of Essex you create the page for all areas, a page for each area.
[Website Design Company] Yes. Okay. If you follow this up with an email, that’d be great. I’m just writing notes now but whats your company called?
[Digital Marketing Expert] Basically I am a Freelancer. So you can Google me at some point but yeah, sure. I work on word of mouth because I am very good. I’ve got an IQ of about quite high so I’m really I’m a really intelligent guy and one of the probably top 1% of population with my abilities.
[Website Design Company] Wow. Yes. So you haven’t got a website or company but you your IQ is high and you work as a freelancer? I’ve got it.
[Digital Marketing Expert] I’m based in the UK okay, maybe we can do some work in the future maybe it might be good for you to have some connection with me, you might need someone like me. Whats your email ?
[Website Design Company] You can get my email from our website, assume you looked at the bottom of the website your ‘client’ gave you and you will find our website.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Am just doing my research at the minute on this campaign haven’t looked at the website and I’m just looking now what is it called?
[Website Design Company] Oh, so you haven’t even looked at the website yet? But you are making recommendations already? This is some sort of super-power you have?
[Digital Marketing Expert] I will look for you at the at the bottom of the website, looking at the load time it’s too slow so this is an issue. I looked at that but what’s your website called is it Delicious Webdesign? I guess I can find at the bottom of all of your websites delicious web design have made.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Can you also hand me a password and username for this website please I would rather have that. I could only do so much as they still use WordPress.
[Website Design Company] Send us an email with your request exactly like you want the changes, please ensure its a numbered list, so the first one you said about making it faster, then the structure of the page and you said having a page per area. Having areas per page are a controversial marketing idea but I will see what the client says. I do not give out confidential website access details to anyone, even people with high IQs.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Yeah, Google give you the wrong information. I have got a white paper that I could show you one day from over coffee maybe. Whats your company?
[Website Design Company] Ok possibly it’s Delicious Webdesign. You have a lot of SEO ideas that I am really looking forward to hearing about, can you please send them over?
[Digital Marketing Expert] Who are you? Are you are you quite expensive for digital marketing trends?
[Website Design Company] What you say by quite expensive we’ve got 800 clients have been around for 13 years and we normally don’t talk to people that dont have a SEO budget of 2000 pounds or more. We are Delicious Webdesign, thought that was obvious by now.
[Digital Marketing Expert] Wow okay, but I’m saying that the website should be build better, its not quite built up to Google standards at the minute I could show you a few tricks that will get you better ranking.
[Website Design Company] We could take offense at that I’m quite open minded and having been around the block and worked in IT all my life when someone says we create websites that are not to Google standards I instantly think you don’t know what you’re talking about if you say you’ve got some experience then I am quite open minded and willing to hear what you recommend but your initial comments make me think you are simply reading out a list of standard website improvements, especially as I dont think you have even looked at the website yet.
[Digital Marketing Expert] I’m 26 and have been on computers since I was nine years old, so you’ve got some good experience but to actually look at your websites they’re not Google standard.
[Website Design Company] I could say your websites aren’t Google standard because you haven’t got one, you haven’t got your own company or your own website? How can you run a business without a website?
[Digital Marketing Expert] I can show you one but I don’t think I want to right now because you could take some of them away, but at the same time, I’m gonna use unified rules. Like if you use Google API you win. So Google, if you if you use Google’s API, Do you know what API Stands for? I was just testing? You know, right? What does it stand for?
[Website Design Company] You are joking right, you are asking me what API stands for? you tell me what it stands for?
[Digital Marketing Expert] And I’m not, I’m not quite sure.
[Website Design Company] This must be a wind-up. You just asked me what Google API stands for. And you don’t know. Is this some sort of joke? You just asked me what Google API stands for and you dont know yourself?
So I ask you what does it mean? What does it stand for? You just asked me that and sai to me “Do you know what it is?” I’m asking you. What does it mean then quickly. Come on. What is the A stand for in API
[Digital Marketing Expert] I’ve got an IQ higher than most people. It’s a set of functions and procedures.
[Website Design Company] I won’t stand for this pathetic rubbish you are talking. I’m asking you one more time answer the question or hang up, what does API stand for? You clearly dont know, Its Application Programming Interface I’ve used them for 30 years. I’m sorry, you’ve lost all respect from me, by trying to challenge me. And then not knowing how to challenge me.
You said, What does Google API stand for? Which is almost a joke. And then I said, I know what it means. What does it mean? You said to me? I get phone calls from scammers and amateurs like you every single week. I wont put my client’s websites at risk by letting you anywhere near them
[Website Design Company] Please go back to whoever sent you to me and tell them. I’m disgusted. And I’m fed up with the standard of people that decide to become SEO Experts, and that includes you. Goodbye.